Loves of a Sex Geek

Sex-Positive Counselor

Posts tagged communication

11 notes

New holy grail link for Poly advice

I want to save this link to send to every new poly person and couple who asks me, “how do we start?” or “what went wrong?”  So much of this I’ve learned through the difficult experience of making these mistakes, and my partners making these mistakes.

Especially this part:

Honesty is another core value of polyamory. It’s not just about everyone knowing and consenting to multiple overlapping intimate relationships. At a more basic level it means having the courage to be honest with others — up front, in a forthright manner, volunteering important information and context, not waiting for new partners to figure it out for themselves.

In any relationship, everyone involved deserves enough information, early enough to decide for themselves whether or how to proceed.

This is especially important when it comes to owning up to your potential downsides.

In order to be this honest with your non-primary partners, you first must be honest with yourself, and with your existing relationship partner(s). Extremely honest. This also requires courage, because this is the part that can get awkward or embarrassing.

I’m so enjoying everything Aggie has said in zir blogs and so much resonates with my feelings, thoughts, experiences.

Filed under polyamory honesty communication negotiation learning

132 notes

Many of the reactions to this growing awareness that I’ve seen from men is some form of resentment that they don’t get to flirt with, cruise, or attempt to pick up women whenever they happen to see someone attractive. Leaving aside the underlying assumption that men should be able to express their sexual desire any time we want, I want to talk about the general cluelessness of most men around the incessant sexual intrusion that most women experience and the effects that has on flirting.

I’m writing this specifically for the men who want to flirt with women, whether the hope is for a one-night stand, a relationship, a conversation, a date, or simply to pass the time. What happens when the intention is to harass, stalk, annoy, or get any other reaction from women is a different thing. But right there, that is the root of the problem. A lot of the time, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to tell the difference. That sucks for the guys who genuinely want to connect with someone. And you know what? As much as it sucks for you and me, it’s many, many times worse for women.

From this awesome piece by super-sex-educator Charlie Glickman. He hits the nail on the head! And thanks Charlie for not willing to expect women to change how gender roles and sexual communication works. We’re all in this together, let’s work together. 

Filed under flirting gender expression communication gender roles sex education Violence against women

299,479 notes

How the Logic of "Friendzoning" Would Work If Applied in Other Instances:

*Man walks into a store and finds employee*
Alright, I've had enough. Why haven't you guys hired me?!
Uh...well sir, when did you put in your application?
I never filled out an application.
Well sir, we can't consider you for employment if you've never filled out an application.
No, that's bullshit, because I've been coming here for years now, and every single time I tell you all how much I love this store and how much I appreciate your customer service, unlike some of your other customers might I add!
Well, but that doesn't-
AND I even told you that I didn't have a job!
But sir, that doesn't indicate to us that you would like a job at our store. And again, if you've never filled out an application, we can't consider you. Besides, we're not hiring.
OH! Not hiring, HA! What a laugh. I see your store go through seasonal workers all the time. They come and go like nothing, but you won't consider me as a part-time employee even though I KNOW you've been looking for workers to fill positions? That's insane!
Sir, we've been looking to hire a few people for management positions. Do you have any management experience?
Well no, but what does that matter?
...Well sir, that's what we're looking for. You won't be suitable for the position without management experience.
Oh that's such a load of crap. You know, you'll be waiting around a long time for a manager if you don't lower your standards a little. Who cares if someone knows how to manage a store? I LOVE this store and I'm willing to work here, that's all that should matter to you.
That...doesn't make any sense.
NO! I'm done. This is over. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Fuck you, slut.
ORIGINAL SOURCE: Hi, /r/twoxchromosomes!

Filed under entitlement snobby communication honesty

0 notes

Reid Mihalko’s formula for how to have Difficult Conversations - article available here

This came across my path at a particularly good time. I’ve used this formula (just now) to write up a plan for a conversation I need to have. Haven’t had it yet, but I’m feeling much better now that I have an idea of how to approach this difficult, scary, intense conversation with my loved ones.

I’m really enjoying this entire series of videos and have found lots of helpful advice.

Filed under relationships connection communication fear intimacy

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Romance for the Rest of Us by Reid Mihalko and Cathy Vartuli - are you a cat or a dog in your approach to romance?

I figured out that most of the time I’m a cat (other times I’m very much a dog), and one of my partners is definitely a dog. This has been a major disconnect in our relationship and part of why we “downgraded” our relationship to fuck buddies rather than romantic partners. 

Filed under relationship communication romance

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Reid Mihalko on Handling Mean People - great tips for communication and empathy. I wish my previous partners knew these tricks, many would be very helpful in dealing with me in times of distress.

Filed under communication relationship

2 notes

I guess, as the old saying goes, the more things change the more they stay the same. I was talking to a young woman today and she made a comment about ‘how to please a man’. It went something along the lines of “feed him and then suck his cock”. I was suddenly reminded very much of my wife when I first met her all those years ago. She was raised with a similar view. As I said, the more things change the more they stay the same. The question, is where do woman get these ideas?

Let me get this out on the table. It takes a hell of a lot more than food and a blow job to make a man happy. You might get away with that with boys but never men. We can feed ourselves, bath, jerk off and wipe our own asses. We don’t need to be taken care of! What do men need then? What makes men happy? Partners! A man wants a woman who is willing to work with him through the hard times and knows how to enjoy the good ones. We want someone to share sorrows and joys with. We don’t want someone to nurse and humor us, we want lovers, friends and companions. These are the things that make us happy.

Oh, and when it comes to sex we want someone who is not only good, game and giving; we want someone who is willing to receive! None of this “no that was OK” or “oh, no I don’t feel like cumming” or “whatever you want to do”. BULLSHIT! Tell me how you like it, what you want to do and how you want it to be done. We are adults; this guessing game went out of fashion in elementary school. Share your fantasies, your desires or even what needs to be done to make sex better for you. Men have no problems receiving pleasure but it cannot be one sided.

Is every woman like this? Of course not. But that philosophy is still out there and it needs to be stopped!

Now, through all of this I’ve use the hetero-normative voice. But guess what. This applies to every group of adults. There are LGBT people who have the same problem. This isn’t about straight men and straight women. It is a human problem.

We all must remember that if you are only trying to please the other people in your life you will only succeed in aggravating them. Find what makes you happy and then share it with the ones you love.

And if that love includes blow jobs, I don’t think that there would be many men who would mind. Just give us a chance to return the favor. :-)


Filed under sex happiness relationships love communication