Loves of a Sex Geek

Sex-Positive Counselor

Posts tagged freedom

332 notes

Why I'm Genderqueer, Professional and Unafraid

neutrois:

But for transgender and gender non-conforming people like myself, the question of what to wear to work becomes an exhausting question of identity and of survival. For us, the question changes from “how do I present my best self at work?” to “can I present my best self at work?”

Thankfully, I’m lucky enough that I can present my best self at work. But many many others aren’t so blessed.

(via orocarni-mountains)

Filed under freedom gender gender expectations genderqueer gender identity

6 notes

Favorite tweets from Atlanta Poly Weekend 2014

I spent this past weekend at an event called Atlanta Poly Weekend (APW) where a bunch of polyamorous people came together to live, love, learn, and have fun. I go to at least 2 conventions a year in my town and consistently I come away having learned a little something (or a lotta something) about myself and my passion in life (doing therapy around relationships and sex). This year’s APW was a particularly exceptional experience. 

Each year at APW I’ve livetweeted panels that I’ve attended because I wish I could be in 2 or 3 places at one time and I know there’s other people at APW and the greater community who feel the same. So I like to carry the wisdom and experiences shared within those conference room walls to the world at large so we can all learn. Last year from those of us who livetweeted panels and communicated about the event, #APW2013 was a top ten trending hashtag in the Atlanta area that weekend. I don’t know if we were trending this year, but I know more of us were tweeting this year, and the content is particularly juicy. I’d like to share with my Tumblr followers some of the really juicy bits. So here’s my favorite tweets from APW2014:

General comments:

Atlanta poly folks are ironically polite at a burlesque show, and monsters at Cards Against Humanity
From @FranklinVeaux and @EveRickert’s panel on Consent Culture:
Consent includes access to your body, your mind & your emotions—not just physical. Absence of “no” is not consent.
Let’s use affirmative consent = anything less than enthusiastic yes means a no, not doing anything. = Yes!
It’s easy to be the hero of your own story and consider bullies to be “other people,” not something you’d ever be capable of.
We are all capable of crossing boundaries. We have a society that creates power differential.
Violations can’t happen if there are not enablers. Let’s empower people to step in to stop and prevent violations.

From @franklinveaux’s presentation on how to make your relationships suck:

At 's session at on making relationships suck. Here’s a link to the PDF: http://www.morethantwo.com/practicaljealousy.pdf
"Instead of questioning your feelings, I highly recommend questioning your value." - How to Make Your Relationship Suck
Assume your emotions are infallible. Remember feelings are always true. Use them to control your partner.
Speak in riddles and ALWAYS look for the hidden meaning.
Comparisons can be a great tool for sabotaging your self-esteem and your relationship.
If you get what you want & discover it doesn’t make you happy, make sure to blame your partner.
Make every relationship critical, you can’t leave! Eliminate your ability to say yes, and no.
Always keep score. Otherwise, how do you know who’s winning? Bonus points for written lists & spreadsheets

From Sarah Olivia’s keynote Bringing Sexy Back:

Sexy isn’t a prescription you take every morning.
The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be - “Pretty”.
Two words highly associated with Sexy: Confidence and Power. Self-power, not power over others.
is pro-sexy: Defining our relationships gives us power.
Challenge: When someone compliments you, practice saying, “Thanks! I do look great!” and Stop!

From Sterling Bates’ class on How personality type affects relationships:

types process experience differently, their brain is wired differently.
Communication: prefer to think while they talk. They do their best thinking when they’re talking.
prefer to think then talk.
Problem solving: type prefers to consider cons first. type prefers to consider pros first.
For thinking preference, give them negative first, they’ll be more likely to hear the positive when it comes second.
types get energy from planning, think a suggestion is a plan.
Judging types dislike surprises. Perceiving types prefer to keep as many options open for as long as possible.
Where personalities differ, it can cause conflict or can compliment each other.

From MsNoel and NCMaster’s class on Bridging the Gap between generations:

Older generations dealt with oppression and reacted with firm determination to do things their way.
Younger generations grew up in an era of open mindedness re: and . Affects interactions with others.
Problems arise when we expect the other generations to behave the way they do. They are not being disrespectful.
If we dismiss and isolate each other, we’re all going to die out. We need each other.
Older gens have some wisdom to share and it can make younger gens path a bit easier to travel.

From @Joreth’s 5 Love Languages derived for poly people presentation:

. gets applause for calling Mars/Venus book bullshit.
Personality categories are “fuzzy” boxes, not rigid ones.
People often compliment women on appearance and men on accomplishments, but many women are tired of hearing those compliments.
the presence of other people doesn’t diminish the value of time spent together
If you find yourself getting yelled at for giving advice, try asking “Would you like advice?” before trying to give it.
And on the flip side, if you know you just want to vent not get advice, preface your vent by saying so.
For people who value independence, unsolicited acts of service can be condescending and unwelcome. Ask!
Yes! points out that Golden Rule is crap. Treat people how THEY want to be treated
If receiving meaningful gifts means a lot to you, tell your partner what you like. Don’t expect them to divine it.
If your love language is words of affirmation, it can be really hard to ask for that when you need it.
It can come across as insecurity rather than simply what you need to be loved. Though I’d say there’s nothing wrong w/ insecurity.
But I wish there were more acceptance of the fact that many people are insecure to some extent & it’s not a personal failing.

From Sterling Bates’ and @Joreth’s class on Breaking Up in Polyamory:

Mission: It is advantageous for all of us as a community to break up as friendly exes.
Breaking up in mainstream: relationship is obliterated. Let’s consider that break up can mean a transition?
Break ups are not a one size fits all solution. Each relationship needs a uniquely designed process.
Two main factors determining quality of breakup: intensity and effort
The question is, how are you going to be your best self?
4 pillars of a healthy relationship: attraction, compatibility, space, and respect
Don’t tell them what you hate about them in breakup speech. Tell them what you love.
Be honest, but be kind. Honesty doesn’t mean recklessly hurting people
Instead of trying to assign blame, use this time to accept your responsibility in the relationship.
Give people space. If you follow them when they try to leave, you can irretrievably damage the relationship
"I’m sorry for…. This is wrong because… In the future, I will… Will you forgive me?" Apology script.
When you’re being a decent, compassionate person, you’re not doing it for others. You’re doing it to be the best person you can be.
Don’t beg. It takes two to enter a relationship, it only takes one to end it. Begging may damage future transition.
It’s ok for breakee to ask for definition of new relationship. It’s also ok to ask for things you need.
We will replay the break up conversation in our heads. Let’s enjoy it.
Consider: Break up conversation as a moment to reminisce about the good parts of the relationship.
The community is too small to be dividing up social lines based on break ups.
Our brains will rewrite our memories to fit how we feel about the relationship, so try to end the relationship well
Being your best self in break ups benefits those in relationship and carries out to the community.

From @wfenza’s discussion on Relationship Anarchy:

offers total freedom and flexibility, with ethics and consent. Setting expectations vs. making promises.
means building in some uncertainty because the future is uncertain. No blame when expectations aren’t met.
Rules don’t keep partners from hurting each other. Does your partner really *want* to hurt you? Unlikely.
A promise is “past you” trying to control “future you” to do something that’s not in your best interest.
Asking a partner to make a promise can imply that you don’t trust them to take your needs into account otherwise.
Spectrum of Relationship Control: All relationships involve control. It can be done ethically or unethically.
As you trust each other more, you control each other less.

From @Franklinveaux and @everickert’s discussion on Ethics in Relationships:

When we see bad relationships behaviors, we should judge the behavior, not the person. Non-judgmentalism enables bad actors.
Being ethical means taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions.
If the answer cannot be “no,” it’s not a request, it’s a demand.
If you’re exploiting another’s weakness or ignorance to gain consent, it’s not really consent.

From Dr. Kieran’s Cinderella and the Glass Therapist presentation:

A relationship with a therapist is a safe place to address concerns freely bc they are not invested as our friends & family.
Therapists aren’t one size fits all. Interview your potential therapist to determine whether they’re right for you.
Therapists job is to poke, prod, push, and pull to help clients grow. With empathy and compassion.
Good therapy looks completely different than the movies, old school stereotypes. It’s supportive and challenging.

From Elisabeth Sheff’s session:

Social dangers to unicorns: stigma, less social power than the couple, suspicion from others (“bearer of promiscuity”), stalking.
Couple privilege: “When a couple acts as a unit to preserve & enhance their primary dyad above all things.”
is objectifying, classifies someone by a role, not who they are.
Couples new to polyamory usually still have a monogamous mindset founded in couple privilege.
Statistically very unlikely to find someone who’s equally compatible with both members of a couple.

From @Franklinveaux’s Closing Keynote about Creating Ethical Communities:

The decisions we make in one relationship can affect our other relationships in major ways.
We have a shared responsibility to learn from others mistakes, develop best practices, to be accepted.
This is a critical time for . What happens in next few years will affect our trajectory for decades
We are all imperfect, have faults, and we are all inherently decent. No one is evil.
Number 1 ethic: Treat people as people, not things.
Our society is surprisingly comfortable with casual consent violations across the board.
Differentials in power exist in every aspect of human interaction. Let’s be cognizant of it.
"Consent is a radical idea. It is not something we are taught." Our society breeds coercion.
"Consent is only valid if I can say no, and only valid if I can withdraw consent. Consent must be reevaluated."
Evil begins when we believe we can’t get what we need without controlling other people.
Courage can guide us toward ethical behaviour when nothing else will.
It’s easy to rationalize why not to speak up. To have , we need to have the courage to speak up.
It’s on all of us to make happen. Polyamory is changing, huge influx of people. Has to happen now.
"I recognize the agency of my partners & the people in my community." "My partners have the right to leave."
Principle 3: There is no right way to do things. People are not roles, archetypes.
"That doesn’t mean all things are right. That there’s more than one right doesn’t mean there’s no wrong."
"Unethical behaviour can happen in my community." Am I creating a safe space? Am I speaking up?
When we fail to judge we create safe spaces for predators.
Small consent violations matter. Boundary testing is a primary tactic of predators.
Particularly important for people in privileged positions to speak up. e.g. men need to call out other men.
Be someone other people can talk to. Don’t trivialize, validate, justify. Don’t say what they should have done.

Franklin Veaux’s powerful closing remark:

If we resolve to move in the direction of courage every day, that makes all this easier.

After the con:

Lots of happy tears and laughter are the best way to end a conference.

Filed under polyamory community ethical behavior consent culture growth relationships poly convention therapy ethics violation courage anarchy compassion apw2014 freedom

263 notes

naktivated:

nudiarist:

Taking a splash as a nudist | UniversityPost http://universitypost.dk/article/taking-splash-nudist#.UT8fLYtFubg.twitter”The place is full of people of all shapes and sizes. Next to me stands a small, perfectly round, couple. A wrinkly bum walks by. Large and small breasts, large and small penises, thighs and stomachs. I try to keep my wandering eyes at eye level, but I don’t really succeed. I have never seen so many naked people, and in a moment, I will join the ranks of the naked.” 

Dive right in.

This weekend I’m heading to a local nudist resort for a lovely day poolside and I am looking forward to being free under the sun from society’s constricting clothes once more.

naktivated:

nudiarist:

Taking a splash as a nudist | UniversityPost http://universitypost.dk/article/taking-splash-nudist#.UT8fLYtFubg.twitter

The place is full of people of all shapes and sizes. Next to me stands a small, perfectly round, couple. A wrinkly bum walks by. Large and small breasts, large and small penises, thighs and stomachs. I try to keep my wandering eyes at eye level, but I don’t really succeed. I have never seen so many naked people, and in a moment, I will join the ranks of the naked.” 

Dive right in.

This weekend I’m heading to a local nudist resort for a lovely day poolside and I am looking forward to being free under the sun from society’s constricting clothes once more.

(via alexander-sanguinarius)

Filed under nudism freedom equality

216 notes

amelia-ace:

A little off-topic for this blog, but I have a point to make.
It’s your body. You can dress how you like, pierce it as you like, tattoo it, modify it in any way you see fit. Nobody has the right to give you crap about what you do to it. Shave your head if that’s what you want. Don’t shave your armpits, or your legs, if that will make you happy.
You chose who gets to explore your body with you. Have sex if you want it, with who you want it with (if they want it too, of course.) Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.
And of course, if you don’t want sex, that’s cool too. Your body is yours. Do with it what you will.

amelia-ace:

A little off-topic for this blog, but I have a point to make.

It’s your body. You can dress how you like, pierce it as you like, tattoo it, modify it in any way you see fit. Nobody has the right to give you crap about what you do to it. Shave your head if that’s what you want. Don’t shave your armpits, or your legs, if that will make you happy.

You chose who gets to explore your body with you. Have sex if you want it, with who you want it with (if they want it too, of course.) Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.

And of course, if you don’t want sex, that’s cool too. Your body is yours. Do with it what you will.

(via genderfluidity)

Filed under freedom of choice freedom choice gender consent

9,640 notes

A Quick Guide to Whether a Woman Owes You Something

Dude:
I want to know if a woman owes me something.
Guide:
Well, did you enter into a loan contract with a woman, providing her with goods or money that has not yet been returned?
Dude:
No.
Guide:
Hmm. Well, do you have some other contractual agreement to provide goods or services in exchange for a compensation that has not yet been made?
Dude:
No.
Guide:
It doesn't sound like a woman owes you something.
Dude:
What if I sent her a private message on this web forum we both post at.
Guide:
Ah. She doesn't owe you shit.
Dude:
Well, what if I sent her a message on a dating site. That's just be rude to ignore.
Guide:
She doesn't owe you shit.
Dude:
Isn't it just common courtesy to write a detailed explanation of why she won't respond favorably to me after I've messaged her five times?
Guide:
She doesn't owe you shit.
Dude:
What if we go on a date and I buy her dinner...
Guide:
Doesn't owe you shit.
Dude:
Or if we've been dating a few months, and...
Guide:
Doesn't owe you shit.
Dude:
Well, how about we're married and I'm in the mood...
Guide:
She. Doesn't. Owe. You. Shit.
Dude:
Shouldn't I at least be entitled to some sort of...
Guide:
Don't owe you shit.
Dude:
Well, I don't think that's very decent.
Guide:
She still won't owe you shit.

Filed under expectation gender norms gender roles rape culture entitlement sexism freedom choice consent

904 notes

In response to Jenna Marbles’ new video.

Listen up, ladies:

If you want to have a lot of sex, do it.
If you want a lot of partners, go for it.
If you want to be polyamorous, do it.
If you want to have sex with men, yes.
If you want to have sex with women, yes.
If you want to have sex with anyone in between, yes.
If you don’t want to have sex, don’t have sex.
If you want sex in the butt, do it.
If you want to have oral sex, do it.
If you want to be with one person, go for it.
If you want to slut-shame others, DON’T.

I just looked up her latest video and I’m sad to say that I’m horribly disappointed. I’d been watching more of Jenna’s work lately and was enjoying her quirky nature. Now I will be avoiding watching her videos because I won’t financially support someone with such a judgmental attitude when she’s grossly uninformed about STDs.

What I commented on the video: 

Herpes is NOT caused by casual sex. It does not decide to transmit to certain ppl. You can catch herpes from a monogamous partner who was either untested, or received a (very common) false negative test result. You can even catch herpes without engaging in sex! Educate yourself Jenna.

(Source: asdamagedasme, via homosensuous-deactivated2014022)

Filed under freedom sex-positive stds sexuality sexual health discrimination