Loves of a Sex Geek

Sex-Positive Counselor

Posts tagged identity

15,308 notes

Queerness, to me, is about far more than homosexual attraction. It’s about a willingness to see all other taboos broken down. Sure, many of us start on this path when we first feel “same sex” or “same gender” attraction (though what is sex? And what is gender? And does anyone really have the same sex or gender as anyone else?). But queerness doesn’t stop there.
This is a somewhat controversial stance, but to me queer means something completely different than “gay” or “lesbian” or “bisexual.” A queer person is usually someone who has come to a non-binary view of gender, who recognizes the validity of all trans identities, and who, given this understanding of infinite gender possibilities, finds it hard to define their sexuality any longer in a gender-based way. Queer people understand and support non-monogamy even if they do not engage in it themselves. They can grok being asexual or aromantic. (What does sex have to do with love, or love with sex, necessarily?) A queer can view promiscuous (protected) public bathhouse sex with strangers and complete abstinence as equally healthy.
Queers understand that people have different relationships to their bodies. We get what it means to be stone. We know what body dysphoria is about. We understand that not everyone likes to get touched the same way or to get touched at all. We realize that people with disabilities may have different sexual needs, and that people with survivor histories often have sexual triggers. We can negotiate safe and creative ways to be intimate with people with HIV/AIDs and other STIs.
Queers understand the range of power and sensation and the diversity of sexual dynamics. We are tops and bottoms, doms and subs, sadists and masochists and sadomasochists, versatiles and switches. We know what we like and don’t like in bed.
We embrace a wide range of relationship types. We can be partners, lovers, friends with benefits, platonic sweethearts, chosen family. We can have very different dynamics with different people, often all at once. We don’t expect one person to be able to fulfill all our diverse needs, fantasies and ideals indefinitely.
Because our views on relationships, sex, gender, love, bodies, and family are so unconventional, we are of necessity anti-assimilationist. Because under the kyriarchy we suffer, and watch the people we love suffering, we are political. Because we want to survive, we fight. We only want the freedom to be ourselves, love ourselves, love each other, and live together. Because we are routinely denied that, we are pissed.
Queer doesn’t mean “don’t label me,” it means “I am naming myself.” It means “ask me more questions if you curious” and in the same breath means “fuck off.”

What Queerness Means To Me « Tranarchism (via homosensuous)

I am queer.

(via homosensuous-deactivated2014022)

Filed under queer identity sex-positive acceptance

16,631 notes

knowhomo:

 LGBTQ* Infographics To Spark 1,000 Conversations

(click on photos to view in larger scale)

Reminder:

Transgender Day of Remembrance #TDOR - November 20, 2012


Some of the Above Graphics From:


I really want my poly family to see this.

(via genderfluidity)

Filed under transgender trans awareness transgender rights tran gender genderqueer gender equality gender identity gender expression identity

39 notes

To me, sex-positive means embracing one’s identity/values and encouraging the same free expression with others in an open and honest environment. It’s a matter of not desperately trying to fit into societal molds - instead, it’s a matter of creating a definition for oneself through self-exploration and personal development.

Yenling, CSPH Programming Intern, Fall 2012

[Part of our weekly Sex Positive Saturday series! Visit http://thecsph.tumblr.com for more, or to submit your own definitions.]

(via thecsph)

(via allthechocolatesinthebox)

Filed under sex-positive expression honesty identity freedom uniqueness

39 notes

"Ladies, you cannot possibly know who you are if what you are is always someones girlfriend. Learn to be left to your own devices, learn to be responsible for your own happiness. You can do great things, if you just give yourselves the opportunity to do them."

ooopaola:

-Paola Canosa

This is true for people of all genders. Do not identify yourself (entirely) by who you are connected to. 

(via novemberpain-deactivated2013052)

Filed under advice independence individuality identity

5,705 notes

knowhomo:

LGBTQ* Ally Tips
Graphic from Trinity’s Q Soc (of Ireland)
Following text from UC Davis’ Trans* Ally Tips Page
Trans Ally Tips

SOME WAYS TO BE A GOOD TRANS ALLY…
•    Don’t ever out a transperson. This is dangerous to their safety & can invalidate their identity.  Likewise, be aware of your surroundings when discussing trans issues with a transperson. For their safety & comfort, they may prefer not to discuss these topics in public places or among strangers.•    Always use the pronouns & name the person wants you to use. If you’re unsure, ASK!  If you make a mistake, correct yourself, & politely (& subtly, if possible) correct others if they use the wrong pronoun.•    Ask when & where it’s safe to use their chosen name & pronouns (e.g., if a transperson is not out at home, ask them how you should refer to them around their family, etc). Don’t ask transpeople what their “real” name is (i.e., the one they were born with).  If you know their birth name, do not divulge it to others.  •    Instead of using prefixes like bio- or real- to designate that someone is not trans, use “non-trans” or the prefix “cis-”. Two reasons for this: one, using “real” or “bio” sets up a dichotomy in which transpeople are not considered “real” or “biological.”  Two, using the terms trans & non-trans or cis- alters the framework so that transpeople are the default rather than the Other.  Setting up trans as the norm can help make transphobia & gender privilege more obvious.•    Instead of saying someone was born a boy (or a girl), try saying they were assigned male at birth (or were female-assigned).  These terms recognize the difference between sex & gender, and emphasize the ways in which sex & gender are assigned to individuals at birth, rather than being innate, binary or immutable qualities.•    Don’t confuse gender with sexual preference.  Transpeople, like non-trans people, are straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc.  Gender is not tied to sexual preference, & there are a million ways to express desire.•    Don’t fetishize.  Transpeople’s bodies are not a public forum. “Creatures with cunts,” “the best of both worlds” & “chicks with dicks” are all inappropriate ways of describing transpeople’s bodies.•    Don’t ask transpeople about their bodies, how they have sex, what their genitals are like, etc.  It’s rude & none of your business.  It can help to think about whether you would ask these questions of a non-trans person.•    Don’t ask about surgery or hormone status; don’t ask “when are you going to have the surgery?” or “are you on hormones?” Like non-trans people, our medical histories & bodies can be intensely personal & private.  If transpeople want to share these details with you, allow them to do so on their own terms.•    Don’t assume the only way to transition is through hormones/surgery, & understand that medical transition is very often based on economic status.  Recognize the classism inherent in associating medical transition with “authentic” trans identities.•    Don’t assume all transpeople want hormones and/or surgery, or to transition at all.•    Don’t assume all transpeople feel “trapped in the wrong body.” This is an oversimplification and not the way (all) transpeople feel.•    Don’t assume all transpeople identify as “men” or “women.”  Many transpeople and genderqueer people identify as both, neither, or something altogether different.•    Don’t tell transpeople what is appropriate to their gender (e.g., transwomen should grow their hair out & wear dresses).  Like non-trans people, we have varying forms of gender expression.•    Recognize the diversity of trans & genderqueer lives. Remember that these identities are part of other identities, and intersect with race, class, sexual preference, age, etc.•    Do listen if a transperson chooses to talk to you about their gender identity.  Be honest about things you don’t understand—don’t try to fake it!•    Be aware of places transpeople may not be able to go (pun intended). Be understanding if a transperson doesn’t feel safe using a gendered bathroom or locker room. If your organization is holding an event, designate a gender-neutral bathroom in the building.•    Recognize that not all transpeople or genderqueer folks are out there trying to smash the gender binary. Recognize that it’s not their responsibility. If you want to smash the gender binary, then you do it!•    Don’t ask transpeople to educate you.  Do your own homework & research.  Understand that there is a difference between talking to individuals about their preferences/perspectives and forcing someone to be your educator.  Try not to view individuals as spokespeople; the trans communities are diverse, not one monolithic voice or viewpoint.•    Don’t assume transmen are exempt from male privilege, misogyny, sexism, etc, just because of a so-called “girl past.”•    Recognize that transwomen deal with sexism in a very real way (on top of transphobia).•    Recognize that transwomen deserve access to “women-only” spaces/programs/shelters/etc.•    Recognize your privilege & prejudices as a normatively gendered person.•    Think about what makes you uncomfortable & why.•    Don’t let transphobia slide.  Confront it as you would confront all other forms of oppression. Trans issues are rarely discussed & when they are it is often in a negative light. Transphobia is equally oppressive as (& works in conjunction with) sexism, homophobia, racism, classism, etc.•    Talk about trans issues/rights.  Engage people in discussions & share your knowledge. The majority of “information” people have about trans issues is based on stereotypes & assumptions.  To most people, trans folks are the freaks from Jerry Springer.•    Be aware of the vital role you play as a non-trans person. Remember that the way you talk about transpeople (e.g., using the right pronouns) influences how others perceive us & can make a difference in whether we pass, & whether we feel safe/comfortable. Always remember that people may be more likely to listen to & take cues from non-trans people than from transpeople.  What you say & do matters!•    Don’t just mourn or take action when transpeople are murdered.  Celebrate trans lives & work at making trans & genderqueer issues more visible on a day-to-day basis.•    Don’t tokenize.  Simply adding the “T” to LGB doesn’t make you or your organization hip, progressive, or an ally.  Make sure you have the resources, information & understanding to deserve that T.•    Above all respect and support transpeople in their lives & choices.

knowhomo:

LGBTQ* Ally Tips

Graphic from Trinity’s Q Soc (of Ireland)

Following text from UC Davis’ Trans* Ally Tips Page

Trans Ally Tips

SOME WAYS TO BE A GOOD TRANS ALLY…

•    Don’t ever out a transperson. This is dangerous to their safety & can invalidate their identity.  Likewise, be aware of your surroundings when discussing trans issues with a transperson. For their safety & comfort, they may prefer not to discuss these topics in public places or among strangers.

•    Always use the pronouns & name the person wants you to use. If you’re unsure, ASK!  If you make a mistake, correct yourself, & politely (& subtly, if possible) correct others if they use the wrong pronoun.

•    Ask when & where it’s safe to use their chosen name & pronouns (e.g., if a transperson is not out at home, ask them how you should refer to them around their family, etc). Don’t ask transpeople what their “real” name is (i.e., the one they were born with).  If you know their birth name, do not divulge it to others.  

•    Instead of using prefixes like bio- or real- to designate that someone is not trans, use “non-trans” or the prefix “cis-”. Two reasons for this: one, using “real” or “bio” sets up a dichotomy in which transpeople are not considered “real” or “biological.”  Two, using the terms trans & non-trans or cis- alters the framework so that transpeople are the default rather than the Other.  Setting up trans as the norm can help make transphobia & gender privilege more obvious.

•    Instead of saying someone was born a boy (or a girl), try saying they were assigned male at birth (or were female-assigned).  These terms recognize the difference between sex & gender, and emphasize the ways in which sex & gender are assigned to individuals at birth, rather than being innate, binary or immutable qualities.

•    Don’t confuse gender with sexual preference.  Transpeople, like non-trans people, are straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc.  Gender is not tied to sexual preference, & there are a million ways to express desire.

•    Don’t fetishize.  Transpeople’s bodies are not a public forum. “Creatures with cunts,” “the best of both worlds” & “chicks with dicks” are all inappropriate ways of describing transpeople’s bodies.

•    Don’t ask transpeople about their bodies, how they have sex, what their genitals are like, etc.  It’s rude & none of your business.  It can help to think about whether you would ask these questions of a non-trans person.

•    Don’t ask about surgery or hormone status; don’t ask “when are you going to have the surgery?” or “are you on hormones?” Like non-trans people, our medical histories & bodies can be intensely personal & private.  If transpeople want to share these details with you, allow them to do so on their own terms.

•    Don’t assume the only way to transition is through hormones/surgery, & understand that medical transition is very often based on economic status.  Recognize the classism inherent in associating medical transition with “authentic” trans identities.

•    Don’t assume all transpeople want hormones and/or surgery, or to transition at all.

•    Don’t assume all transpeople feel “trapped in the wrong body.” This is an oversimplification and not the way (all) transpeople feel.

•    Don’t assume all transpeople identify as “men” or “women.”  Many transpeople and genderqueer people identify as both, neither, or something altogether different.

•    Don’t tell transpeople what is appropriate to their gender (e.g., transwomen should grow their hair out & wear dresses).  Like non-trans people, we have varying forms of gender expression.

•    Recognize the diversity of trans & genderqueer lives. Remember that these identities are part of other identities, and intersect with race, class, sexual preference, age, etc.

•    Do listen if a transperson chooses to talk to you about their gender identity.  Be honest about things you don’t understand—don’t try to fake it!

•    Be aware of places transpeople may not be able to go (pun intended). Be understanding if a transperson doesn’t feel safe using a gendered bathroom or locker room. If your organization is holding an event, designate a gender-neutral bathroom in the building.

•    Recognize that not all transpeople or genderqueer folks are out there trying to smash the gender binary. Recognize that it’s not their responsibility. If you want to smash the gender binary, then you do it!

•    Don’t ask transpeople to educate you.  Do your own homework & research.  Understand that there is a difference between talking to individuals about their preferences/perspectives and forcing someone to be your educator.  Try not to view individuals as spokespeople; the trans communities are diverse, not one monolithic voice or viewpoint.

•    Don’t assume transmen are exempt from male privilege, misogyny, sexism, etc, just because of a so-called “girl past.”

•    Recognize that transwomen deal with sexism in a very real way (on top of transphobia).

•    Recognize that transwomen deserve access to “women-only” spaces/programs/shelters/etc.

•    Recognize your privilege & prejudices as a normatively gendered person.

•    Think about what makes you uncomfortable & why.

•    Don’t let transphobia slide.  Confront it as you would confront all other forms of oppression. Trans issues are rarely discussed & when they are it is often in a negative light. Transphobia is equally oppressive as (& works in conjunction with) sexism, homophobia, racism, classism, etc.

•    Talk about trans issues/rights.  Engage people in discussions & share your knowledge. The majority of “information” people have about trans issues is based on stereotypes & assumptions.  To most people, trans folks are the freaks from Jerry Springer.

•    Be aware of the vital role you play as a non-trans person. Remember that the way you talk about transpeople (e.g., using the right pronouns) influences how others perceive us & can make a difference in whether we pass, & whether we feel safe/comfortable. Always remember that people may be more likely to listen to & take cues from non-trans people than from transpeople.  What you say & do matters!

•    Don’t just mourn or take action when transpeople are murdered.  Celebrate trans lives & work at making trans & genderqueer issues more visible on a day-to-day basis.

•    Don’t tokenize.  Simply adding the “T” to LGB doesn’t make you or your organization hip, progressive, or an ally.  Make sure you have the resources, information & understanding to deserve that T.

•    Above all respect and support transpeople in their lives & choices.

(via genderfluidity)

Filed under trans transgender gender queer identity ally

3,639 notes

knowhomo:

LGBTQ* Intersex Documentaries You Should Keep On Your Radar

INTERSEXION

(Following text from the documentary’s website:)

The first question any new parent asks… “Is it a boy or a girl?”

What if it’s neither?

1 in 2,000 babies is born with genitalia so ambiguous that the doctors cannot easily answer this question.

In this groundbreaking documentary, intersex individuals reveal the secrets of their unconventional lives – and how they have navigated their way through this strictly male/female world, when they fit somewhere in between.

(via allthechocolatesinthebox)

Filed under intersex education awareness biological sex gender identity