Loves of a Sex Geek

Sex-Positive Counselor

Posts tagged relationships

95,572 notes

saccharinesylph:

toxius:

wwretched:

ignis-aeternus:

goldenphoenixgirl:

imakesensejournal:

Reading this now.  My therapist recommended it & it is a very helpful, quick read.  It helps with those of us who have issues with parental guilt & manipulation.  It’s purpose is to help you regain your self worth & develop new ways to interact.

One of the best books I’ve ever read. It literally changed my life.
Anyone who thinks they may have been abused in any way by a parent or caregiver should read this book. 

please share.

I wish there were a way to download this book. I want it, but I don’t want my parents to find it. :/

https://www.dropbox.com/s/rgub6nm3y4z5x0l/TOXIC%20PARENTS.pdf

Passing this along for people who need it!

Passing along to tinybearfriend and anybody else who might find this helpful.

saccharinesylph:

toxius:

wwretched:

ignis-aeternus:

goldenphoenixgirl:

imakesensejournal:

Reading this now.  My therapist recommended it & it is a very helpful, quick read.  It helps with those of us who have issues with parental guilt & manipulation.  It’s purpose is to help you regain your self worth & develop new ways to interact.

One of the best books I’ve ever read. It literally changed my life.

Anyone who thinks they may have been abused in any way by a parent or caregiver should read this book. 

please share.

I wish there were a way to download this book. I want it, but I don’t want my parents to find it. :/

https://www.dropbox.com/s/rgub6nm3y4z5x0l/TOXIC%20PARENTS.pdf

Passing this along for people who need it!

Passing along to tinybearfriend and anybody else who might find this helpful.

(via theleakypen)

Filed under therapy abuse relationships healing self-care self-worth self-esteem

6 notes

Favorite tweets from Atlanta Poly Weekend 2014

I spent this past weekend at an event called Atlanta Poly Weekend (APW) where a bunch of polyamorous people came together to live, love, learn, and have fun. I go to at least 2 conventions a year in my town and consistently I come away having learned a little something (or a lotta something) about myself and my passion in life (doing therapy around relationships and sex). This year’s APW was a particularly exceptional experience. 

Each year at APW I’ve livetweeted panels that I’ve attended because I wish I could be in 2 or 3 places at one time and I know there’s other people at APW and the greater community who feel the same. So I like to carry the wisdom and experiences shared within those conference room walls to the world at large so we can all learn. Last year from those of us who livetweeted panels and communicated about the event, #APW2013 was a top ten trending hashtag in the Atlanta area that weekend. I don’t know if we were trending this year, but I know more of us were tweeting this year, and the content is particularly juicy. I’d like to share with my Tumblr followers some of the really juicy bits. So here’s my favorite tweets from APW2014:

General comments:

Atlanta poly folks are ironically polite at a burlesque show, and monsters at Cards Against Humanity
From @FranklinVeaux and @EveRickert’s panel on Consent Culture:
Consent includes access to your body, your mind & your emotions—not just physical. Absence of “no” is not consent.
Let’s use affirmative consent = anything less than enthusiastic yes means a no, not doing anything. = Yes!
It’s easy to be the hero of your own story and consider bullies to be “other people,” not something you’d ever be capable of.
We are all capable of crossing boundaries. We have a society that creates power differential.
Violations can’t happen if there are not enablers. Let’s empower people to step in to stop and prevent violations.

From @franklinveaux’s presentation on how to make your relationships suck:

At 's session at on making relationships suck. Here’s a link to the PDF: http://www.morethantwo.com/practicaljealousy.pdf
"Instead of questioning your feelings, I highly recommend questioning your value." - How to Make Your Relationship Suck
Assume your emotions are infallible. Remember feelings are always true. Use them to control your partner.
Speak in riddles and ALWAYS look for the hidden meaning.
Comparisons can be a great tool for sabotaging your self-esteem and your relationship.
If you get what you want & discover it doesn’t make you happy, make sure to blame your partner.
Make every relationship critical, you can’t leave! Eliminate your ability to say yes, and no.
Always keep score. Otherwise, how do you know who’s winning? Bonus points for written lists & spreadsheets

From Sarah Olivia’s keynote Bringing Sexy Back:

Sexy isn’t a prescription you take every morning.
The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be - “Pretty”.
Two words highly associated with Sexy: Confidence and Power. Self-power, not power over others.
is pro-sexy: Defining our relationships gives us power.
Challenge: When someone compliments you, practice saying, “Thanks! I do look great!” and Stop!

From Sterling Bates’ class on How personality type affects relationships:

types process experience differently, their brain is wired differently.
Communication: prefer to think while they talk. They do their best thinking when they’re talking.
prefer to think then talk.
Problem solving: type prefers to consider cons first. type prefers to consider pros first.
For thinking preference, give them negative first, they’ll be more likely to hear the positive when it comes second.
types get energy from planning, think a suggestion is a plan.
Judging types dislike surprises. Perceiving types prefer to keep as many options open for as long as possible.
Where personalities differ, it can cause conflict or can compliment each other.

From MsNoel and NCMaster’s class on Bridging the Gap between generations:

Older generations dealt with oppression and reacted with firm determination to do things their way.
Younger generations grew up in an era of open mindedness re: and . Affects interactions with others.
Problems arise when we expect the other generations to behave the way they do. They are not being disrespectful.
If we dismiss and isolate each other, we’re all going to die out. We need each other.
Older gens have some wisdom to share and it can make younger gens path a bit easier to travel.

From @Joreth’s 5 Love Languages derived for poly people presentation:

. gets applause for calling Mars/Venus book bullshit.
Personality categories are “fuzzy” boxes, not rigid ones.
People often compliment women on appearance and men on accomplishments, but many women are tired of hearing those compliments.
the presence of other people doesn’t diminish the value of time spent together
If you find yourself getting yelled at for giving advice, try asking “Would you like advice?” before trying to give it.
And on the flip side, if you know you just want to vent not get advice, preface your vent by saying so.
For people who value independence, unsolicited acts of service can be condescending and unwelcome. Ask!
Yes! points out that Golden Rule is crap. Treat people how THEY want to be treated
If receiving meaningful gifts means a lot to you, tell your partner what you like. Don’t expect them to divine it.
If your love language is words of affirmation, it can be really hard to ask for that when you need it.
It can come across as insecurity rather than simply what you need to be loved. Though I’d say there’s nothing wrong w/ insecurity.
But I wish there were more acceptance of the fact that many people are insecure to some extent & it’s not a personal failing.

From Sterling Bates’ and @Joreth’s class on Breaking Up in Polyamory:

Mission: It is advantageous for all of us as a community to break up as friendly exes.
Breaking up in mainstream: relationship is obliterated. Let’s consider that break up can mean a transition?
Break ups are not a one size fits all solution. Each relationship needs a uniquely designed process.
Two main factors determining quality of breakup: intensity and effort
The question is, how are you going to be your best self?
4 pillars of a healthy relationship: attraction, compatibility, space, and respect
Don’t tell them what you hate about them in breakup speech. Tell them what you love.
Be honest, but be kind. Honesty doesn’t mean recklessly hurting people
Instead of trying to assign blame, use this time to accept your responsibility in the relationship.
Give people space. If you follow them when they try to leave, you can irretrievably damage the relationship
"I’m sorry for…. This is wrong because… In the future, I will… Will you forgive me?" Apology script.
When you’re being a decent, compassionate person, you’re not doing it for others. You’re doing it to be the best person you can be.
Don’t beg. It takes two to enter a relationship, it only takes one to end it. Begging may damage future transition.
It’s ok for breakee to ask for definition of new relationship. It’s also ok to ask for things you need.
We will replay the break up conversation in our heads. Let’s enjoy it.
Consider: Break up conversation as a moment to reminisce about the good parts of the relationship.
The community is too small to be dividing up social lines based on break ups.
Our brains will rewrite our memories to fit how we feel about the relationship, so try to end the relationship well
Being your best self in break ups benefits those in relationship and carries out to the community.

From @wfenza’s discussion on Relationship Anarchy:

offers total freedom and flexibility, with ethics and consent. Setting expectations vs. making promises.
means building in some uncertainty because the future is uncertain. No blame when expectations aren’t met.
Rules don’t keep partners from hurting each other. Does your partner really *want* to hurt you? Unlikely.
A promise is “past you” trying to control “future you” to do something that’s not in your best interest.
Asking a partner to make a promise can imply that you don’t trust them to take your needs into account otherwise.
Spectrum of Relationship Control: All relationships involve control. It can be done ethically or unethically.
As you trust each other more, you control each other less.

From @Franklinveaux and @everickert’s discussion on Ethics in Relationships:

When we see bad relationships behaviors, we should judge the behavior, not the person. Non-judgmentalism enables bad actors.
Being ethical means taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions.
If the answer cannot be “no,” it’s not a request, it’s a demand.
If you’re exploiting another’s weakness or ignorance to gain consent, it’s not really consent.

From Dr. Kieran’s Cinderella and the Glass Therapist presentation:

A relationship with a therapist is a safe place to address concerns freely bc they are not invested as our friends & family.
Therapists aren’t one size fits all. Interview your potential therapist to determine whether they’re right for you.
Therapists job is to poke, prod, push, and pull to help clients grow. With empathy and compassion.
Good therapy looks completely different than the movies, old school stereotypes. It’s supportive and challenging.

From Elisabeth Sheff’s session:

Social dangers to unicorns: stigma, less social power than the couple, suspicion from others (“bearer of promiscuity”), stalking.
Couple privilege: “When a couple acts as a unit to preserve & enhance their primary dyad above all things.”
is objectifying, classifies someone by a role, not who they are.
Couples new to polyamory usually still have a monogamous mindset founded in couple privilege.
Statistically very unlikely to find someone who’s equally compatible with both members of a couple.

From @Franklinveaux’s Closing Keynote about Creating Ethical Communities:

The decisions we make in one relationship can affect our other relationships in major ways.
We have a shared responsibility to learn from others mistakes, develop best practices, to be accepted.
This is a critical time for . What happens in next few years will affect our trajectory for decades
We are all imperfect, have faults, and we are all inherently decent. No one is evil.
Number 1 ethic: Treat people as people, not things.
Our society is surprisingly comfortable with casual consent violations across the board.
Differentials in power exist in every aspect of human interaction. Let’s be cognizant of it.
"Consent is a radical idea. It is not something we are taught." Our society breeds coercion.
"Consent is only valid if I can say no, and only valid if I can withdraw consent. Consent must be reevaluated."
Evil begins when we believe we can’t get what we need without controlling other people.
Courage can guide us toward ethical behaviour when nothing else will.
It’s easy to rationalize why not to speak up. To have , we need to have the courage to speak up.
It’s on all of us to make happen. Polyamory is changing, huge influx of people. Has to happen now.
"I recognize the agency of my partners & the people in my community." "My partners have the right to leave."
Principle 3: There is no right way to do things. People are not roles, archetypes.
"That doesn’t mean all things are right. That there’s more than one right doesn’t mean there’s no wrong."
"Unethical behaviour can happen in my community." Am I creating a safe space? Am I speaking up?
When we fail to judge we create safe spaces for predators.
Small consent violations matter. Boundary testing is a primary tactic of predators.
Particularly important for people in privileged positions to speak up. e.g. men need to call out other men.
Be someone other people can talk to. Don’t trivialize, validate, justify. Don’t say what they should have done.

Franklin Veaux’s powerful closing remark:

If we resolve to move in the direction of courage every day, that makes all this easier.

After the con:

Lots of happy tears and laughter are the best way to end a conference.

Filed under polyamory community ethical behavior consent culture growth relationships poly convention therapy ethics violation courage anarchy compassion apw2014 freedom

0 notes

I'll Admit It: I Hate Relying On My Boyfriend

This is why I will probably always live on my own, loving in a “solo polyamory” sort of life. I am fiercely independent by nature. My first sentence as a child was, “Me do it!” and that temperament persists today, 30 years later.

Filed under solo polyamory independence relationships dependence

0 notes

Solo Poly/Single People: Please participate in this survey!

AggieSez is one of the awesome new(ish) bloggers on the polyamory scene over at Solopoly.net, quite possibly my favorite blog at the moment. She’s working on writing a book with Lily Loyd about nonstandard relationships: “relationships that are somehow off society’s standard relationship escalator norm: strictly monogamous, lifelong cohabitating partners (married or equivalent, perhaps with kids) or relationships that are clearly progressing toward that goal.” She put together a survey seeking first-person experiences and data for the book. She’s had a great response so far but needs more data from people who aren’t part of a primary couple. So if you’re poly and aren’t primary partners with someone else, please consider adding your voice to her (anonymous) survey!

Filed under polyamory solo non-primary relationships nonstandard

207 notes

lets-talk-about-umm:

desires-andso-much-more:

so few have had the privilege of earning my trust…there are a lot of people who would rather lie and hurt you than to just be your friend…sad but true

I tend to trust to soon. But…you break that trust, there is no second chances. Maybe a flaw? But to go around in this world and not trust fellow humans it would be a lonely world.

I used to trust easily at first, but lose trust just as easily. Now, I am far more careful with my heart, my body and reserve trust for those who earn it.

lets-talk-about-umm:

desires-andso-much-more:

so few have had the privilege of earning my trust…there are a lot of people who would rather lie and hurt you than to just be your friend…sad but true

I tend to trust to soon. But…you break that trust, there is no second chances. Maybe a flaw? But to go around in this world and not trust fellow humans it would be a lonely world.

I used to trust easily at first, but lose trust just as easily. Now, I am far more careful with my heart, my body and reserve trust for those who earn it.

Filed under trust relationships

25,021 notes

psychoelou:

To the casual observer, this young couple look just like any other teenagers in love.
But pretty Katie Hill and her boyfriend Arin Andrews share a unique bond - they were both born as the opposite sex.
Katie, 18, spent the first 15 years of her life as Luke, son of a Marine colonel, while Arin, 16, was born a girl called Emerald who excelled at ballet dancing and won beauty contests.
Both struggled with their sexuality all through their childhoods and were teased and bullied but their lives were changed when they both began hormone therapy and later met at a trans support group in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and instantly fell in love.
Katie said: ‘All I saw was a handsome guy. We’re perfect for each other because we both had the same troubles growing up.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2230658/The-sex-change-sweethearts-How-pageant-princess-colonels-son-fell-love-BOTH-transgender-treatment.html#ixzz2Bu4Gv7RQ Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

psychoelou:

To the casual observer, this young couple look just like any other teenagers in love.

But pretty Katie Hill and her boyfriend Arin Andrews share a unique bond - they were both born as the opposite sex.

Katie, 18, spent the first 15 years of her life as Luke, son of a Marine colonel, while Arin, 16, was born a girl called Emerald who excelled at ballet dancing and won beauty contests.

Both struggled with their sexuality all through their childhoods and were teased and bullied but their lives were changed when they both began hormone therapy and later met at a trans support group in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and instantly fell in love.

Katie said: ‘All I saw was a handsome guy. We’re perfect for each other because we both had the same troubles growing up.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2230658/The-sex-change-sweethearts-How-pageant-princess-colonels-son-fell-love-BOTH-transgender-treatment.html#ixzz2Bu4Gv7RQ
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

(Source: the-funeral-party, via homosensuous-deactivated2014022)

Filed under transgender love relationships

125 notes

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley (via peonyblack)

I identified with everything here. Dani ~ something for you and luv2pleaseher.

 ♥♥♥ ♥♥♥ ♥♥♥

(via jakupwashere)

Thank you my friend, it is truly beautiful and I’m honored you thought of us as well.

(via danisplayground)

beautiful~vixen

(via white-wolfs-world)

Love this 

(via lets-talk-about-umm)

Every word of this speaks to me - this is my wonderful Ken

(via lets-talk-about-umm)

Filed under love relationships ken